Changes…

It’s a brand new month! What does that hold for each of us? We know it means change but what does that mean? Change is inevitable. It has been said that we are either growing or dying. We are never saying the same. So true. In the work that I do with clients, I help clients make positive, intentional change. We focus on how to change either ones’ perception or ones’ procedure in order to make a better future. Change can be scary or exciting or both depending on our perception. The one constant that all of us face is change. Whether you are a CEO of a fortune 500 company making a decision to lay off staff in order to save the company or a man in recovery who is living in a homeless shelter about to move to his own apartment, the dynamic is the same. The following is a mantra that many have used both in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous:

 Lord (or your name for your higher power), Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can’t change, the courage to change what I can and the wisdom to accept the difference. 

And a time for rest…

In our busy western culture, we are sometimes led to believe that it is counterintuitive to slow down and take a time out. However, for those who are successful emotionally and financially, they know that it is imperative to step back from life periodically. This past weekend, I attended silent, unguided retreat in Cohassett, MA at St. Joseph’s RetreatCenter. A silent and unguided retreat means that there is no talking amongst the participants and there is no structure during your time there. There are no meetings or workshops to attend except for an opening group prayer on Friday evening. The cost was 200 dollars. The return on investment…priceless! I have been here 2 prior times.

By sharing my experience with you, I hope it acts as a reminder that we all need to recharge ourselves mentally, physically and spiritually regardless of our profession. I consider a retreat to be like a mini vacation. My mistake is at times, I have not always taken time off at planned times throughout the year i.e. every 10 weeks or every 3 months. One concern for not going away could be the cost. However, one would be surprised how little it costs to go on a retreat. A retreat can be renting a hotel room for a couple of days, bringing with you an inspirational book to read or camping overnight. Perhaps it can be a day trip. I think that whatever the experience, it should be done alone so that you have an opportunity to think, pray, read, write and or meditate.

Here are some advantages for taking a retreat:

1)      Get more perspective: It is an opportunity to get perspective and see where we are and where are we headed.

2)      Cultivate your spiritual side: For those believing in a higher power, it is an opportunity to speak with one’s creator. My retreat was at a big house overlooking the Atlantic Ocean. Being in touch with nature is an awesome way to cultivate one’s spirituality.

3)      Get inspired and motivated: When we recharge our batteries we come back refreshed. It can allow us to do some goal setting.

4)      You are treating your body as a temple: Some retreats offer massage. I got great sleep and ate well while here. I also had opportunities to do some walking along the beach.

5)      Better appreciation for what you have: It’s a chance to count our blessings i.e. spouse, house, pet, children, etc.

New weekly groups offerings:

·        “BEING YOUNG AND HAPPY” open ended, psycho educational, support group for those ages 18-24

·         “EXPLORING INTIMACY” weekly psychodynamic interpersonal group is for adult men and women  ages 25 to 55

I can give you more specifics on each group if you contact me. All the best!

What to expect when you decide to join a psychotherapy group

Group therapy is effective as a supplemental or stand alone treatment for a number of issues including mood disorders, anxiety disorders, conflict avoidance, difficulty asserting oneself, relationships and self discovery. Group therapy can benefit almost anyone. Often group members have goals to:

•  improve unsatisfying, frustrating, or disappointing relationships
• enhance social skills and intimacy
• decrease loneliness or isolation
• learn to cope more effectively with losses
• diminish feelings of helplessness
• increase self-esteem and confidence
• resolve feelings of shame
• confront and change problematic behavior
• communicate more authentically
• reduce social anxiety or worry

 Other benefits include:

• Real life interactions and live feedback
• An opportunity to hear things from group members that they can’t from a therapist, other professional or loved one
• A sense of belonging and shared experience
• Affordability; groups are typically 1/2 to 1/3 the price of individual treatment

 Prior to entering one of my groups, we will meet so as to gauge whether or not the group is a good fit for you. The following are list of questions, I will ask of you:

•  What’s your hope for being in the group?
•  Please describe important relationships you have had, past and present, positive & negative, maintained and not maintained
•  Describe Familiar role(s) in work, romantic life, family, friendships
•  How do you navigate trust, boundaries, and disappointments in relationships?
•  What will be your likely role when enter group/ when gets more comfortable
•  What is the best thing that you could hope for in the group? What is the Worst thing that would fear in the group?
•  What kind of group member would you find easy to relate to? What kind of group member would it be difficult to relate to?
•  What kind of interactions, push your buttons?
•  What are your communication strengths and challenges? I do emphasize that difficulties will present greatest learning opportunities.
•  How will I know if you are unhappy with something going on in the group?
•  How do you establish safety and connection?
•  What are your strategies to manage stress, including substance use, past & present
•  How do you hope I will help you?
•  I also tell clients that at times, I will need to speak with that person’s individual therapist if he or she has one.

 Other items of importance:

It is important for both clinician and client to anticipate “the crunch” – this is the resistance when defenses are challenged, threshold into truer intimacy about to be crossed:  how will we know?  What will it be about?  How can we help you to hang in there?

•  We will set goals (make specific, write them down – no more than 3)
•  I discuss termination with the client, especially importance of discussing it in the group before deciding or planning a date
•  I provide some guidance about what to expect, including expectation that they put feelings into words

A Cautionary Tale

Whitney Houston was a wonderful performer. Unfortunately she died during this past weekend. She will be missed. At 42, I have known who Whitney Houston is or was since was I was 12. 3 decades! Today, I got goose bumps watching on You Tube, her rendition of God Bless America from a past Super Bowl event. What a talent!

It is well documented that Ms. Houston struggled with various substances throughout her adult life. Her marriage was tumultuous and included reports of substance abuse with her ex husband. We were blessed to have her be part of our lives. Her music will live on forever. Ms. Houston’s live and death is also a cautionary tale in regards to how difficult it is to have fame come to a person at a young age and the temptations that come with that. Managing both painful and pleasurable emotions with drugs is not uncommon. The challenge is in how to break the cycle. Perhaps earlier intervention by family and friends into Ms. Houston’s life as it pertained to her substance abuse could have prevented the tragedy. Hindsight is 20/20. It is not easy to broach the subject with a loved one who is an addict. Let alone an addict of celebrity status such as Ms. Houston. The following are resources that I have recommended to families and loved ones of addicts:

• Al Anon; 1-508-366-0556
• Codependent No More book by Melody Beattie
• Marriage and Family Therapy; check http://www.mamft.org for MA providers
• SECAP Family Support Group at St. Elizabeth’s Medical Center; every Tuesday6:15p.m.-8 p.m. free of charge, call 617-789-2574 for more information
• Section 35; legal tool requiring addict to get into treatment, check with your local courthouse for more details
• Learn2Cope.org; support group and website
• Families Anonymous.org
• Coda.org
• Facing Codependence book by Pia Mellody

What we can learn from Bill Belichick?

What we can learn from Bill Belichick?

I don’t know who will win the game this afternoon. The Giants are favored. I do know that The Pats are as mentally and physically prepared and they could ever possibly be. Thanks Bill. Has there ever been a coach or master motivator like Bill Belichick? His name is mentioned in the same conversation as Vince Lombardi, Hall of Fame coach for the Green Bay Packers. ‘Nuff said.

There are things that Belichick has used to bring the Patriots to greatness that we can also use in our lives, helping us achieve greatness:

1) Preparation each day equals success long term

2) One game at a time: If you ever listen to the Patriots after a game, win or lose, it’s only one game. They manage their emotions well, not getting overly excited or disappointed when something occurs. In Alcoholics Anonymous, it’s one day at a time, doing the best we can in the day. One does not have to be in recovery from addiction, to benefit from this mantra or Belichick’s philosophy.

“You can’t mess with Integrity.

I was watching Mike and Mike in the Morning earlier today. It is both a daily radio show and ESPN T.V. show. The discussion centered around a recent college coach Jim Tressel from Ohio State University who resigned on Memorial Day for not doing the right thing: He had protected star football players who had sold their acquired football trophy awards in order to get everything from tattoos to marijuana. Instead of going to the police and or the school administration, this coach tried to cover up the events. Perhaps if these players were average, the coach would have handled it differently. A recent expose in a major sporting magazine discussing the situation may have also gotten Tressel to resign. On Mike and Mike, Dick Vitale, Hall of Fame Basketball Announcer was interviewed. He commented on the aforementioned downfall of the coach. He agreed that Tressel’s decision making was poor and that it was an unfortunate situation for all involved. Tressel had a sterling reputation prior to this set of circumstances. Vitale made a statement that resonated with me: “You can’t mess with integrity.” Vitale spoke of integrity as something fixed. Anything else in a given situation can be addressed i.e. communication, decision making, timing etc. However, integrity is a factor that needs to be a reliable north star in a man or woman’s life. We all have struggled to do the right thing, myself included. It isn’t easy. I heard it said once that integrity is doing the right thing when no one else is watching. This is a lofty standard but if we can at least aspire to do this, then we are headed in the right direction.

Those who have a why, can bear almost any how.

Dr. Viktor Frankl, Austrian neurologist, psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor is author of Man’s Search for Meaning. He believed that if a person had a big enough “why” in life, he or she could overcome any “how” in life. It has been my experience with countless scores of clients that this is the case. It has held true in my personal life. At one point in my early twenties I was without focus and a career path. I was blessed to to have experienced the  art, the science and professional career path of helping others. i.e. psychotherapy.  Since then, for the most part, I have had my “why” in life. What is your “why” in life?